Dear Baby Girl,
What can I say? Arriving at this moment is surreal.
I thought we would be together for a long time; friends for life.
Our lives are inextricably linked with a common thread …
Eight year old you wanting to escape, finding solace in the pages of a book. Struggling to deal with the loss of your grandmother. Realizing the fate of two worlds rests on your young shoulders because only you can defeat the villainous Red Queen. Fighting the internal battle of the truth that surrounds you or accepting your mother’s beliefs.
And my forty something self, also longing to escape by penning your tale so others can escape into its pages. We’re a match made in heaven.
Yet here we are …
I have other characters whispering, okay shouting in my ear. Waking me from sound sleep and vibrating for my attention. Of course, I’ve denied them till now because I was committed to you. But I can’t deny my feelings for them any longer.
They speak to me in ways you haven’t in far too many months. Six to be exact. That’s not an accusation. It’s a fact. We don’t talk like we used to. Let’s face it, the spark is gone.
I crave the newness that comes at the beginning of a relationship. The “Honeymoon Phase” they call it. I miss that. I miss the excitement and exploration and surprise as we were getting to know each other. I need that.
Still I held on …
Because calling it quits would mean failure. Calling it quits would mean admitting that your story is bigger than my ability to tell it.
I know it’s selfish. I’ve stayed for the wrong reasons. I stayed because I was afraid of not finishing.
This may be cliché but: It’s not you … It’s me.
After three years and four months of trying to make it work … three years and …
- Countless reams of paper
- Megabytes of memory
- Tens of thousands of words
- Three journals
- Hundreds of phone calls and meetings
- Lots of tears and heartache …
I have to say goodbye.
I have to put you on the shelf and walk away. We’re just holding each other back. I’m sorry. I know I’ll regret this one day.
There’s an old saying:
“If you love something very, very badly, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it never was yours to begin with.”
Baby Girl … I pray you and your story come back to me. Please know that I love you, I just can be with you right now.
Tell the others bye for me …