Is This the Start of Something New?

As I laid in bed last week with the flu (worst sick ever) and I could not do anything more strenuous than sleep, I had a moment. An epiphany if you will.

I thought, “God is preparing me for something GREAT,” in an out-with-the-old-in-with-the-new sort of way. A cleansing perhaps. As if by starving my fever and feeding my cold, or is it feeding the fever starving the cold, that He could somehow jump start this lackluster stage of my life.

Visceral.

Dramatic.

True.

My lucid moments were spent evaluating my life. Maybe because if felt like dying – again worst sick I’ve experienced.

I wondered how am I doing as a mom and a fairly new homeschooler who works full time away from home. I tried to measure myself as a wife and friend; sister and daughter. Heavy thoughts while physically drained and emotionally vulnerable; which contributed to the sense that God was trying to tell me something.

Of course, it didn’t take long before that self reflection turned to my writing life or let’s be honest my non-existent writing life. It’s been two years since I’ve focused time and talent toward writing with intention. WRITING:  a thing I’ve come to avoid, a thing not to speak of …

At least not until my oldest questions me:  “Mom, when are you going to publish your book?”

I haven’t finished it.

Or when my husband buys me the most thoughtful Christmas gift, a new computer, citing, “Hopefully, it will inspire you to start writing again.”

Then there’s guilt because my response is vague, “I don’t know. We’ll see.”

But what I really mean is, “I afraid.” I don’t want to be. I want to be a good example to my son when it comes to:

• Finish what you start.
• Chase your dreams.
• Keep fighting, never give up.

Quitting than wasn’t a real option but I’ve gotten talented at postponing and deflecting … a dream deferred or whatever.

All the same fears from 2014 still haunt me:  should I, could I, am I? My self talk isn’t positive and while I have fear, the possibilities energize me.

Now the question has surfaced and demanded my attention, I have to wonder what’s in store. Wonder, if there is a greater plan in the works.

Is this the start of something new?

But probably not.

Maybe it’s the start of something old … a continuation … a love for words that may spill over into something more.

No promises,  only hope.